Monday, January 9, 2012

Musings on Modulation

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about ‘changes’.  Perhaps it’s the New Year vibe that is in the air, where “resolutions” and “new lifestyles” become popular terminology thrown around with a whole lot of thought.  It’s almost trendy in the month of January to embrace some nuances but as one who is on a path to change of the more inevitable variety, for myself it has sparked deep thought, musing, and desire.

As I touched upon in an earlier post, I recently got healthy after a very unhealthy bout of dissatisfaction with my body and mind.  I plunged into research and scoured articles, books, and blogs to learn more about happiness and the human experience.   In this, I have taken great strides to actually enact and make changes for my own betterment.

At the same time, I am at a crossroads in life – the type that inevitably spring up in the winding roads that spiral before us all.  It is this change that we all fear – the type we feel is utterly and entirely out of our own control.  Within the next few days and weeks I need to make a series of decisions that will impact my future profoundly; my next job, my future career, where I will live, where I will attain the last remaining portion of my education.  The decision must be made and yet I have stalled and put it off, pretended to make the choice and then pushed the paperwork into a literal corner and vowed to come back to it the next day…and the next. 

I felt liberated making changes that I knew my life needed.  I spent time getting to know the changes, I embraced them, I enacted them, and each time I did so successfully, I felt an inward thrill that can come only from meeting one’s own expectations.  I did it.  Now, when changes are demanded of me – changes that could potentially have the same liberating and exalting impact – I feel fear and intrepidation.  What if I do it wrong?  What if the right decision indeed lies before me, but I ignore and pick the other route by mistake?

And yet, I know with utter certainty that change must come.  I have experienced recently both sides of the coin and simultaneously been submersed in hearing all the ‘changes’ others want to make.  It is such a flippant, easy, utterance – “Oh yes, I just need to make a change” but for all who have truly done so, it lies directly oppositional to ‘easy’.  And most such changes do not stick, they do not actually impact our daily lives.  The “I’ll lose ten pounds, I’ll go to the gym more, I will show up on time”, we manage to enact them for a week or two and then slip comfortably back into our old routines.

Perhaps that is the answer – comfort.  It is easy to continue.  It is easy to perform within a routine.  It is easy to accept things as merely “being the way they are”.   As the Bhagavad Gita says: “The mind acts like an enemy for those who do not control it”.  Our minds and our routinized laziness can trap us and impede change – or we can find a way to strive, constantly. 

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